Texting
by Nothing-but-PBandJ
Summary: Oh, the texts Sherlock gets. Warnings: Crack, slash aka. homosexual relationships, language and an annoying older brother.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Nothing!

* * *

><p>Sherlock, I may have a case for you. Please do reply.<p>

**MH**

Sherlock! Why is there a leg in my bed? Oh never mind. We are so not sleeping with each other tonight.

**JW**

John, it was for science! No need to get upset.

**SH**

Everything you do is apparently for 'science' Like when you got in the shower with me without warning. What the hell kind of data did you get out of that 'experiment' anyway?

**JW**

That you're very ticklish in the most interesting places.

**SH**

Sherlock, certainly you have time enough from your busy schedule to reply to your brother...

**MH**

Yeah, and I don't need you tickling me again. =(

**JW**

Please John. The usage of emoticons serve no true purpose.

**SH.**

Whatever, they just annoy you don't they? =D

**JW**

No.

**SH**

=P XD 3 :x ;-) T_T =/

**JW**

Do you want to be tickle tortured again? I have the rope and will go for the bare feet.

**SH**

OK! I'll stop! I'LL STOP!

**JW**

Call me! ;-)

**JM**

John. Moriarty contacted me again.

**SH**

Just ignore the texts.

**JW**

I don't think I can...

**SH**

CALL ME! =x

**JM**

You know you want to

**JM**

Just a five minute chat...

**JM**

It's not like I'm trying to deflower you or anything...

**JM**

You are a virgin right?

**JM**

DON'T TELL ME JOHN BEAT ME TO IT! D:

**JM**

Sherlock. I must admit I'm becoming slightly irritated at your lack of response. If you don't want to talk then please at least tell me.

**MH**

Sherlock, how long does it take you to get milk?

**JW**

You miss me?

**SH**

No. I mean...yeah...I was just wondering what was taking you so long...

**JW**

Okie-dokie. I'm smiling and laughing on the outside butintheinsideI'mreallygetting PISSED OFF!

**JM**

John. Ill be back the day after tomorrow. Tell Mycroft to fuck off.

**SH**

What! What's going on? Sherlock!

**JW**

I'm being stalked by Moriarty's goons right now and I can't fight them all off at once. Nor can I make a run for it since they have surrounded me. I'll be abducted but no doubt make my escape in two days.

**SH**

Wait, they're surrounding you? Are they just watching you text?

**JW**

Mwahahaha! Now you're going to have to talk to me face to face, aren't you? We'll have a niiiiiiiice loooooooong chat when they bring you to me, darling. :-3

**JM**

John, this is my last text before the guy in front of me takes it. For the love of God, don't get all anxious again and throw up like you did last time.

**SH**

I don't throw up when I'm anxious!

**JW**

Sherlock?

**JW**

Sherlock!

**JW**

Look! Im using emoticons! =P

**JW**

NOOOOOOOOOO!

**JW**

Baby brother. I've had it with you. You're always so stubborn so I have to resort to this. For every hour you don't text back, I'm giving John one embarrassing secret of yours. With love, your brother.

**MH**

Sherlock. Mycroft just told me that you played with Barbie dolls in the past. Lol. Was that for science too? XD

**JW**

...Oh I forgot. You're still kidnapped... =(

**JW**


	2. Chapter 2

Guess who IIIIIIIII haaaaaave...

**JM**

Moriarty? What are you doing with my brother's phone? Where is he?

**MH**

Sherly-whirly is safe and sound with me. We're talking about hearts and burning. And candy corn. ;-)

**JM**

...How much?

**MH**

Oh! We're talking about it a lot.

**JM**

I mean how much do you want for my brother's safe return?

**MH**

Hmm...How about eleventy-billion-ka-ko-trillion million thousand?

**JM**

That's not even a real number.

**MH**

XD

**JM**

May I speak with him?

**MH**

Sorry. He's all tied up now. And gagged. He's literally tied and gagged. Meaning I used actual rope and stuff.

**JM**

Yes, I got the pun quite clearly after the first time you said gagged. You're a maniac. You know that, right?

**MH**

And you're a worry wort. I'm not doing anything to him. Heeeeeee's fiiiiiiiiine.

**JM**

I'm afraid that I have some trouble believing that from someone who uses far too many vowels when trying to spell a word. I thought you were a genius.

**MH**

Hey, I guess you texted John about how Sherlock used to have to wear bunny customs for his mummy every Easter. Dammit, why can't I see him with bunny ears! Or better yet, kitty ears. Kitty ears are better than bunny ears.

**JM**

You lie. Bunny ears are much better.

**MH**

...What am I saying? Look, if you promise to let Sherlock go then I won't have to send the entire British army after you.

**MH**

OH! Come on. You don't have THAT much power.

**JM**

...Do you? 'Cause that would be sooooooooooooo neat!

**JM**

Just let him go. Please?

**MH**

Are you afraid I'm going to touch him in inappropriate places? =D

**JM**

No.

**MH**

Uh oh! Sherlock is right in front of me. I'm reaching out to tooooouch him. Touch touch touch!

**JM**

Stop it.

**MH**

I'm going to touch him and take away his innocence. I'm gonna do it. I reeeeeallly am.

**JM**

Not if you don't want that hand chopped off.

**MH**

I'm touching him. I'm petting him and everything. Such a good little boy.

**JM**

WHAT THE FFFFF- HE BIT ME!

**JM**

I thought he was gagged...

**MH**

He wiggled out of it when I wasn't looking and bit me! Gah! I hate you people!

**JM**

...I have never been more proud of my baby brother. =)

**MH**

Mycroft? Why do you keep sending me these embarrassing secrets of Sherlock's? It was funny at first but there are some things I just don't want to know. Like how you found him trying to breed a dog with a duck. No. Just no.

**JW**

Oh by the way. Your brother's kidnapped. Sorry I've been meaning to tell you that but kept forgetting. ^_^;

**JW**


	3. Chapter 3

Okay. I see you left early. I'm sad. But now we know the rules, don't we? I text and you respond, honeybuckets.

**JM**

?

**JM**

Sherlock, I'm doing that smiling-on-the-outside but fuck-you-on-the-inside again.

**JM**

HOLMES!

**JM**

You don't want me for an enemy.

**JM**

Strange. I thought we were already enemies.

**SH**

You responded? YOU RESPONDED! =D I AM SOOOOOOOO HAPPY! This means you love me right? Love love love!

**JM**

...Sherlock?

**JM**

What?

**SH**

Just making sure you were still talking to me like a good boy. ;-)

**JM**

Look, as tempting as it sounds to make idle chit-chat with your worst enemy, I'm busy right now. John and I are eating.

**SH**

I bet it's boring. I bet HE'S boring. D=

**JM**

And I bet you're jealous.

**SH**

=P

**JM**

Stop texting. Eating.

**SH**

T_T

**JM**

Sherlock, I'm aware that you have just escaped Moriarty. I've set up an appointment for you with Dr. Kent. All bills are paid. You just have to go to the sessions.

**MH**

How many times do I have to tell you? I. Am. Not. Traumatized.

**SH**

You need to talk to someone about this. You've just been kidnapped.

**MH**

I've talked to John about it. And he's a doctor so...

**SH**

Wait. You've talked with John Watson about this before you talked to me? Your own flesh and blood?

**MH**

Don't tell me you're jealous of John too...

**SH**

No, this has nothing to do with my insecurities of my own self-worth in respect to being your elder sibling. I just don't understand why you trust John's intellect over mine. He thought Sonderweg was a music group for God's sake.

**MH**

Well I like him when he's stupid sometimes. He's...charming.

**SH**

You mean cute? My little brother thinks his boyfriend's cute. You're growing up so fast.

**MH**

You don't have tears falling again, do you?

**SH**

No.

**MH**

Don't text Mummy about this. I get enough of those embarrassing mothering moments from you.

**SH**

?

**SH**

I don't like the way you stopped replying to my texts. You're texting her right now, aren't you? GTFO OF MY PERSONAL LIFE!

**SH**

Hey Sherlock. Yeah there's kind of a dead body here and none of us can figure why there's a dead body at a grocery store. No one knows who this person is and my team and I are way over our heads with this one. So if you can solve this case for me that'd be swell. Tell John I said hi.

**GL**

You're not a very good inspector. You know that, right?

**SH**

T_T

**GL**

Sherlock! Greg just texted me and told me you made him cry! Apologize right now mister.

**MH**

Ah! So the truth finally comes out.

**SH**

...Truth?

**MH**

You are undeniably in love with Inspector Lestrade as I am with John.

**SH**

You have no proof of that.

**MH**

I bet Mummy can't wait to hear you finally found yourself a lover.

**SH**

Sherlock no! She wouldn't understand! She'd insist on showing my baby pictures to him. Don't do it!

**MH**

Are you done eating now?

**JM**

No.

**SH**

Can I see you in kitty ears sometime?

**JM**

No.

**SH**

Bunny ears?

**JM**

No.

**SH**

PLEASE!

**JM**

No.

**SH**

I'm kidnapping you again. =/

**JM**

Ha! I'd like to see you try.

**SH**

Sherlock, it's Mummy. Are you and Mycroft having another fight? Let me meet John sometime, I want to show him some pictures.

**Mummy Holmes  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

shreolck, y u arent home yet?

**JW**

Based on how your spelling is worse than normal, I can safely assume that you had consumed a bit too many alcoholic beverages. Considering I left you two hours ago, and your high tolerance, I'd say you drank the entire bottle of that cheap liquor you purchased two days ago. Am I correct in my deduction, John?

**SH**

?I dun no what yyuur sayin stop txeting so loud my ears hurt

**JW**

Tell me John, why are you drunk? Obviously something's wrong.

**SH**

not druk

**JW**

*drunk, John, it's drunk. Are you still upset about that little fight we had before I left? I didn't think it would bother you for this long. I stopped being angry two minutes after I left.

**SH**

u dunt luv me. We're beraking up yu git.

**JW**

I'm going to deny the first claim and instruct you to go to bed. I have no idea what the second sentence is suppose to mean.

**SH**

u neevr say it i hav to guss all the time. u never say u luv me.

**JW**

I'm coming home, John. We'll talk about this later.

**SH**

Nvr saayy it do yu? how's im suppos to no?

**JW**

I told you I just...don't express myself verbally.

**SH**

then hows im suupose no? yur brother microsoft told me things.

**JW**

...Mycroft told you...what exactly?

**SH**

things.

**JW**

Mycroft, what did you tell John?

**SH**

Sherlock it's the dead of night and your question is too vague. Obviously I've said a lot of things to John.

**MH**

Obviously. I want to know what you said to make him question my relationship with him.

**SH**

Question how? You're partners, right?

**MH**

I mean our more romantic relationship. And you know it.

**SH**

Ah. I didn't say anything about your relationship. I just said that you've experimented with relationships in the past. How you never really had any feelings for them, you were just curious. Why do you ask.

**MH**

You know what you've done. Now you got John upset.

**SH**

I have no idea what you mean.

**MH**

John wants me to tell him that I love him because of your interference. He's druk.

**SH**

...druk?

**MH**

*drunk

**SH**

Oh I see. Well do you love him? If you do, you should tell him. If not then I guess it wouldn't matter to you if you two broke up.

**MH**

Why do you always get in the way?

**SH**

I have no idea what you mean. I never get in the way of your personal love interests. Name one time.

**MH**

Victor.

**SH**

...I thought I told you not to ever mention him again. I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER HIM!

**MH**

Stop being an overprotective prick and tell me what I'm supposed to do with John.

**SH**

Like I said. Either tell him you love him or watch him leave.

**MH**

Damn you. If this doesn't work out then I'm going back to Victor.

**SH**

Well you can't. Victor's been dead for a while.

**MH**

...Oh...um...

**SH**

I didn't do it! Sure I hated how he treated you, how he called me Micky and how terrible his fashion sense was! But I didn't do anything!

**MH**

Call me Sherly whirly! =D

**JM**

sheorlckishtic, wgere r u i likeeed u.

**JW**

"I'm here John."

Sherlock just opened the door and the strong smell of alcohol wafted to his nose. John, the usually well kept and hygienic doctor was currently slumped in a chair with dark circles in his eyes and an empty glass in his trembling hand. John stared at him. Sherlock strode over in front of him.

"I love you."

Oddly it didn't sound at all forced. His voice was sincere and even the drunken John could see that. His eyes sparkled in delight.

"Really? *hic* then can I sees you in bunny ears please?" and suddenly John fell asleep.

Sherlock stared at his lover until his phone buzzed once more. Then a second time. Then a third. He pulled it out and practically slammed it against the table next to him, not once reading the oncoming texts. Then he turned his attention back on John. It took a bit of effort but he managed to carry him just long enough to get him from the chair to the couch.

_Meanwhile the texts..._

Call me dammit! CALL ME! Please? I love you. =(

**JM**

I'll have you know he died of a heart attack. I'm not THAT crazy!

**MH**

Hey Sherlock, I just got a random text saying cats are poptarts. I don't understand. Honestly I get the weirdest texts sometimes.

**GL**

End.


End file.
